so much becomes clear

I've become one of those disappointing bloggers who rarely updates. Life and all...

So, quick recap:

April 2011: Found out my marriage was in peril. I say "found out" because someone else had to tell me. Ummmm...yeah. Denial? Maybe. I've also learned something Very Important about reality as a result. More on that another time.

May 2011: Lost my job, spent the next year very bitter, angry, depressed about it. Plus, see above. Major life suckage.

September 2011: New job, YAY, and I get to work from home, and I'm still in the field I love. Double yay! Meanwhile, my marriage is still in peril, and my life is a constant cycle of "she loves me, she loves me not..."

March 2012: Tornado hits and wipes out my town. I ride it out in the basement, but I'm traumatized by the experience itself, and the daily reality of living with the devastation. My marriage? Still in peril. Are we going to make it or not? Is she staying? Is she going? Ask me again in 5 minutes and the answers will have changed. Again.

April 2012: I have a Profound Revelation: I am not at the mercy of anyone else's whims/desires/needs. I can, should, will, MUST take action on my own behalf. I can't continue to wait for the other shoe to drop...So: My marriage? Over, effective immediately.

April 2012 - July 2012: Begin the process of separating myself - my Self  - from her. Also all my stuff, literal and figurative. We've been together 13 years, so there's a lot of both. I read books on how to survive a breakup, because honestly, I'm not at all certain I will survive. I start a secret (private) blog to say all the things that are just too raw, too private, to say in public. It helps.

July 2012: I move out of our home, into my own place. It's the first time in my life I've ever lived alone. Almost immediately my life changes for the better. We put our house on the market.

July 2012 - October 2012: I'm learning to live alone and love it, and planning my darling daughter's wedding. I also have a birthday in there, and spend it throwing my daughter's bridal shower, and then hen partying with her and her friends. That day is also, notably, mine and my now-ex's wedding anniversary. Note: DO NOT EVER GET MARRIED ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, BECAUSE IF THE MARRIAGE EVER ENDS, YOUR BIRTHDAY IS KIND OF RUINED FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

October 3- 10, 2012:  Wedding Week, with The Wedding 10/6. A wonderful, wild whirlwind week of houseguests, friends, preparations, and parties, with the crowning jewel being the most incredibly perfect wedding I could ever have imagined. It. Was. Amazing.

During Wedding Week we also got and accepted an offer on the house, which slipped us, like a shoehorn,  perfectly into place for the next thing, which is closing on the house, and her leaving forever, and going back to California. That's all set to happen October 31st/November 1st.

So here I am, on this side of all that. My life has changed. I've changed. As a result, my blogging has changed, too, and I'm not sure yet what's it's changed into. I plan to come back here and do more of this, in whatever form it takes. In the meantime, I'm here: http://www.facebook.com/DreamsUnderfoot. Please come see me there!

A Prayer

Refuse to fall down.

If you cannot refuse to fall down,

refuse to stay down.

If you cannot refuse to stay down,

lift your heart toward heaven,

and like a hungry beggar,

ask that it be filled,

and it will be filled.

You may be pushed down.

You may be kept from rising.

But no one can keep you

from lifting your heart

toward heaven---

only you.

It is in the middle of misery

that so much becomes clear.

The one who says nothing good

came of this,

is not yet listening.

©Copyright 1980, 2007, Dr. C.P. Estes

p.s. I know you are reading this, and I want you to know that I don't blame you anymore. I almost, very nearly, forgive you. Godspeed.

I like this look I love you all

Standing up straight I'm ten feet tall

I like this look I love you all

A hundred feet off the ground it seems

That a beautiful day is gracing me

Don't let your feet touch ground

And don't look Down

Oh, Oh

I pull my boots up to my knees

No coats or hats, thank you please

I dig up dirt and I find no wrong

All while singing a silly song

Don't let your feet touch ground

And don't look Down

Oh, Oh

There are no mistakes

Up in our secret place

We're not just getting by

Everything is fine

Don't let your feet touch ground

And don't look Down

Oh, Oh

ASH KOLEY - DON'T LET YOUR FEET TOUCH GROUND 

keep me thinking

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringin' me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare

See how I'll leave, with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do
There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringin' me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling

We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it to the beat

Baby, I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you and I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there as mine sure won't be shared

The scars of your love remind you of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling

We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it to the beat

Could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
But you played it with a beating

Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

(Now I'm gonna wish you never had met me)
We could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all

(Now I'm gonna wish you never had met me)
It all, it all, it all, it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

(Now I'm gonna wish you never had met me)
We could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
Rolling in the deep

(Now I'm gonna wish you never had met me)
You had my heart and soul
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
And you played it to the beat

(Now I'm gonna wish you never had met me)
Could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
Rolling in the deep

(Now I'm gonna wish you never had met me)
You had my heart and soul in your hand
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
But you played it, you played it, you played it to the beat

when i get there

Well I started out down a dirty road
Started out all alone
And the sun went down as I crossed the hill
And the town lit up, the world got still

I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Well the good ol' days may not return
And the rocks might melt and the sea may burn

I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I've started out, for God knows where
I guess I'll know when I get there

I'm learning to fly, around the clouds,
But what goes up must come down

I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

and that's not nearly all

Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
I've lost my lights
I toss and turn I can't sleep at night

Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a girl could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Tainted love
Tainted love

Now I know I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
You don't really want any more from me
To make things right
You need someone to hold you tight
You think love is to pray
I'm sorry I don't pray that way

Don't touch me please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm going to pack my things and go
Touch me baby, tainted love
Touch me baby, tainted love
Touch me baby, tainted love

somebody that i used to know

now you're just somebody that i used to know

~ gotye

be done with it

Conventional wisdom says that telling our stories of loss is integral to the healing process. That's part of the appeal of support groups, therapists. Confessionals.

On the other hand, focusing our energy on anything gives it power...as much as we are what we eat, we are also what we think, and what we say.

Conundrum.

So here's just a bit of my story. Like the valve on a pressure cooker, I'm letting the steam out so the whole thing doesn't explode and kill everyone. (ohmygod, relax, it's a figure of speech!)

Now it's time to walk away, so, I'm just going to take the pot off the flame, and that will be that.

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Ralph Waldo Emerson