December 26, 2012

to sit on a high, leafless branch

I've spent my entire life believing things that aren't true. For instance:

Ostriches don't bury their heads in the sand.*

Camels don't store extra water in their humps.

Possums don't hang from branches by their tails.

Porcupines don't shoot their quills at attackers.

And the real biggie:

Not all love stories have happy endings. This is the lie that pisses me off the most, perpetrated as it is by every fucking romantic comedy ever. Yeah, boy meets girl, and after a series of missteps, they end up together. That part is true enough often enough to get a pass from me.

But the ones where someone falls out of love, and the jilted one never gives up hope, and then the jilter has a change of heart and comes back, because they're realized that they really do still love the jilted?


It doesn't happen that way.

So where's the movie that shows a happy couple, in a long-term relationship with all the inherent ups and downs that real relationships have, and then one of them leaves and never comes back? Where the jilted manages to get her life back together, but the leaver stays gone, because she's really done, over it, fini? 

I'd watch that movie.

To have loved
is everything,
I loved, once,

a hummingbird
who came every afternoon–
the freedom-loving male–

who flew by himself
to sample
the sweets of the garden,

to sit
on a high, leafless branch
with his red throat gleaming.

And then, he came no more.
And I’m still waiting for him,
ten years later,

to come back,
and he will, or he will not.
There is a certain commitment

that each of us is given,
that has to do
with another world,

if there is one.
I remember you, hummingbird.
I think of you every day

even as I am still here,
soaked in color, waiting
year after honey-rich year

-Mary Oliver, Empty Branch In The Orchard
*(See for yourself.)

(and in case you're wondering, yes, i still believe in love.)

November 20, 2012

must keep moving

When I was a kid, riding my bike was one of my favorite things to do. The feeling of freedom as I flew down the hills in my neighborhood was unparalleled by anything else in my life.

I haven't really ridden much since then, but you know what they say about riding a bike..Or, wait, they say things you haven't done in a long time are like riding a bike. Anyway...

I'm going to get a bike. Not a fancy one, but a comfortable, bouncy cruiser, to pedal around my neighborhood, and maybe further.

I will have a basket, and a bell. I will wear a helmet.

Life is like riding a bicycle. 
To keep your balance you must keep moving. 
~ Albert Einstein

November 4, 2012

on a quiet day

I'm grateful for this lovely, quiet day, and the extra hour to enjoy it!


Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. 
On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing. 
~ Arundhati Roy

October 26, 2012

beauty is a sphere

My latest obsession: dressing tables.

The challenge: striking the perfect balance of practical and pretty.

Such a girlie indulgence! :)


 The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity 
in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives. 
Albert Einstein 

*Thanks to the girlie girls in my life for the inspiration! (That would be you, Skin Queen, and Darling Daughter!)

October 18, 2012

so much becomes clear

I've become one of those disappointing bloggers who rarely updates. Life and all...

So, quick recap:

April 2011: Found out my marriage was in peril. I say "found out" because someone else had to tell me. Ummmm...yeah. Denial? Maybe. I've also learned something Very Important about reality as a result. More on that another time.

May 2011: Lost my job, spent the next year very bitter, angry, depressed about it. Plus, see above. Major life suckage.

September 2011: New job, YAY, and I get to work from home, and I'm still in the field I love. Double yay! Meanwhile, my marriage is still in peril, and my life is a constant cycle of "she loves me, she loves me not..."

March 2012: Tornado hits and wipes out my town. I ride it out in the basement, but I'm traumatized by the experience itself, and the daily reality of living with the devastation. My marriage? Still in peril. Are we going to make it or not? Is she staying? Is she going? Ask me again in 5 minutes and the answers will have changed. Again.

April 2012: I have a Profound Revelation: I am not at the mercy of anyone else's whims/desires/needs. I can, should, will, MUST take action on my own behalf. I can't continue to wait for the other shoe to drop...So: My marriage? Over, effective immediately.

April 2012 - July 2012: Begin the process of separating myself - my Self  - from her. Also all my stuff, literal and figurative. We've been together 13 years, so there's a lot of both. I read books on how to survive a breakup, because honestly, I'm not at all certain I will survive. I start a secret (private) blog to say all the things that are just too raw, too private, to say in public. It helps.

July 2012: I move out of our home, into my own place. It's the first time in my life I've ever lived alone. Almost immediately my life changes for the better. We put our house on the market.

July 2012 - October 2012: I'm learning to live alone and love it, and planning my darling daughter's wedding. I also have a birthday in there, and spend it throwing my daughter's bridal shower, and then hen partying with her and her friends. That day is also, notably, mine and my now-ex's wedding anniversary. Note: DO NOT EVER GET MARRIED ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, BECAUSE IF THE MARRIAGE EVER ENDS, YOUR BIRTHDAY IS KIND OF RUINED FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

October 3- 10, 2012:  Wedding Week, with The Wedding 10/6. A wonderful, wild whirlwind week of houseguests, friends, preparations, and parties, with the crowning jewel being the most incredibly perfect wedding I could ever have imagined. It. Was. Amazing.

During Wedding Week we also got and accepted an offer on the house, which slipped us, like a shoehorn,  perfectly into place for the next thing, which is closing on the house, and her leaving forever, and going back to California. That's all set to happen October 31st/November 1st.

So here I am, on this side of all that. My life has changed. I've changed. As a result, my blogging has changed, too, and I'm not sure yet what's it's changed into. I plan to come back here and do more of this, in whatever form it takes. In the meantime, I'm here: Please come see me there!

A Prayer

Refuse to fall down.
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
refuse to stay down.
If you cannot refuse to stay down,
lift your heart toward heaven,
and like a hungry beggar,
ask that it be filled,
and it will be filled.
You may be pushed down.
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you
from lifting your heart
toward heaven---
only you.
It is in the middle of misery
that so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good
came of this,
is not yet listening.

©Copyright 1980, 2007, Dr. C.P. Estes

p.s. I know you are reading this, and I want you to know that I don't blame you anymore. I almost, very nearly, forgive you. Godspeed.

July 20, 2012

happy trails to you!

I had my first dinner party here at No. 104, and it was a rousing success! Good company, good food, and good cocktails!

I made these, in honor of the outward bound JC:

Happy Trails 

In a 2 quart pitcher mix:

12 oz tequila (I used Patron, mmm)
12 oz pineapple juice
12 oz diet lemon-lime soda


1 cup crushed pineapple
1 large handful chopped mint
1 or more lemons, sliced

Blend with an immersion blender if you have one, 
otherwise just stir well, muddling the fruit and mint a bit.

Place in freezer until ready to serve.

Delicious over crushed ice, or frozen/slushy

Garnish with lemon & fresh mint


(People who don't like tequila like this!)

Happy trails to you, until we meet again.
Happy trails to you, keep smilin' until then.
Who cares about the clouds when we're together?
Just sing a song and bring the sunny weather.
Happy trails to you, 'till we meet again.

Some trails are happy ones,
Others are blue.
It's the way you ride the trail that counts,
Here's a happy one for you.

Happy trails to you, until we meet again.
Happy trails to you, keep smilin' until then.
Who cares about the clouds when we're together?
Just sing a song and bring the sunny weather.

Happy trails to you, 'till we meet again.

Happy Trails, by Dale Evans Rogers

July 18, 2012

I like this look I love you all

Standing up straight I'm ten feet tall
I like this look I love you all
A hundred feet off the ground it seems
That a beautiful day is gracing me

Don't let your feet touch ground
And don't look Down
Oh, Oh

I pull my boots up to my knees
No coats or hats, thank you please
I dig up dirt and I find no wrong
All while singing a silly song

Don't let your feet touch ground
And don't look Down
Oh, Oh

There are no mistakes
Up in our secret place
We're not just getting by
Everything is fine

Don't let your feet touch ground
And don't look Down
Oh, Oh



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