I've become one of those disappointing bloggers who rarely updates. Life and all...
April 2011: Found out my marriage was in peril. I say "found out" because someone else had to tell me. Ummmm...yeah. Denial? Maybe. I've also learned something Very Important about reality as a result. More on that another time.
May 2011: Lost my job, spent the next year very bitter, angry, depressed about it. Plus, see above. Major life suckage.
September 2011: New job, YAY, and I get to work from home, and I'm still in the field I love. Double yay! Meanwhile, my marriage is still in peril, and my life is a constant cycle of "she loves me, she loves me not..."
March 2012: Tornado hits and wipes out my town. I ride it out in the basement, but I'm traumatized by the experience itself, and the daily reality of living with the devastation. My marriage? Still in peril. Are we going to make it or not? Is she staying? Is she going? Ask me again in 5 minutes and the answers will have changed. Again.
April 2012: I have a Profound Revelation: I am not at the mercy of anyone else's whims/desires/needs. I can, should, will, MUST take action on my own behalf. I can't continue to wait for the other shoe to drop...So: My marriage? Over, effective immediately.
April 2012 - July 2012: Begin the process of separating myself - my Self - from her. Also all my stuff, literal and figurative. We've been together 13 years, so there's a lot of both. I read books on how to survive a breakup, because honestly, I'm not at all certain I will survive. I start a secret (private) blog to say all the things that are just too raw, too private, to say in public. It helps.
July 2012: I move out of our home, into my own place. It's the first time in my life I've ever lived alone. Almost immediately my life changes for the better. We put our house on the market.
July 2012 - October 2012: I'm learning to live alone and love it, and planning my darling daughter's wedding. I also have a birthday in there, and spend it throwing my daughter's bridal shower, and then hen partying with her and her friends. That day is also, notably, mine and my now-ex's wedding anniversary. Note: DO NOT EVER GET MARRIED ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, BECAUSE IF THE MARRIAGE EVER ENDS, YOUR BIRTHDAY IS KIND OF RUINED FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
October 3- 10, 2012: Wedding Week, with The Wedding 10/6. A wonderful, wild whirlwind week of houseguests, friends, preparations, and parties, with the crowning jewel being the most incredibly perfect wedding I could ever have imagined. It. Was. Amazing.
During Wedding Week we also got and accepted an offer on the house, which slipped us, like a shoehorn, perfectly into place for the next thing, which is closing on the house, and her leaving forever, and going back to California. That's all set to happen October 31st/November 1st.
So here I am, on this side of all that. My life has changed. I've changed. As a result, my blogging has changed, too, and I'm not sure yet what's it's changed into. I plan to come back here and do more of this, in whatever form it takes. In the meantime, I'm here: http://www.facebook.com/DreamsUnderfoot. Please come see me there!
Refuse to fall down.
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
refuse to stay down.
If you cannot refuse to stay down,
lift your heart toward heaven,
and like a hungry beggar,
ask that it be filled,
and it will be filled.
You may be pushed down.
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you
from lifting your heart
It is in the middle of misery
that so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good
came of this,
is not yet listening.
©Copyright 1980, 2007, Dr. C.P. Estes
p.s. I know you are reading this, and I want you to know that I don't blame you anymore. I almost, very nearly, forgive you. Godspeed.
OMG, you have been thru the wringer...and yet you are still here. a stronger person. keep writing, I am hear listening and not judging. I too have been thru alot. Lost my husband at 46 and was left with 2 teenagers to raise myself. Was not easy but with great friends and family, I manage. You will too. On to another chapter of your life.
i just re-read your comment from this post written last year, and once again i'm touched by your kindness, and your belief in me and my ability to survive. i'm still here a year later, and so are you. survive on, sister!! in fact, THRIVE ON!
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