June 8, 2012

evolve or evaporate

I know it looks like I have a great attitude about all this, and I guess at this point I do. But you should have seen me 3 months ago. Well, no - you shouldn't have seen me, which is why I was hiding - but if you had seen me, or are one of the people who did see me, you would know that I didn't get to this place easily. It's been hard. Gut-wrenching. FUQING AWFUL. But I'm past the worst part, partly due to the magic of time doin' it's thing, and partly because, yes, I chose to feel better. One thought at a time, I chose better over worse. Which doesn't make me a Super Heroine, it just makes me a survivor. Which is a kind of heroism in itself, I guess.

Sometimes I took one step forward and then a flying leap back, devolving and dissolving and miring down in despair. But then I'd get my wits about me and start forward again.  

I'm not "there" yet - and have realized, finally, that there is no "there" really, since it's all a process - but I'm at least maintaining general forward motion. Onward and upward. Tally ho.

Maybe eventually I'll write a Survival Guide for the Wastelands, but for now I'll just say that It. Is. WORK. It's hard work, and it's a choice. A million choices, every step of the way. 

Photos by photographer Tim Remick, taken moments after these climbers had returned to base camp after reaching the top of Mt. McKinley.

"That's how you stick around. Evolve or evaporate. You have to be very cognizant of what's going on around you. You can't be so bold and reluctant to be receptive to change that you don't allow yourself to grow..." ~ Usher


Merisi said...

Warm hugs and good luck wishes,

helle said...

I do hope everything is going to be fine with you, alone and in a completely new an different place..things can only go one way and that´s better!
Good luck and keep calm Susan!

Hugs Helle


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